What It Was Really Like To Find My Biological Father: love and persistence find a way

The following is a personal account of one of our clients who shares her experience of finding her biological father. You can read her story below, and you can also watch her tell her story here on our YouTube channel. 

My name is Tiffany. This is the story of my journey to finding my father. 

I am 49, and I've never known my biological father or his family. My mom was 17 when she got pregnant, and they only dated or hung out for a couple of weeks; she went back to visit family in New Mexico, and that's when she realized she was pregnant. 

When she came home to Salt Lake, he was gone, and she could not find him. She went to where he was living with his friends. He was 19, and she asked where he was and his last name. They gave my mom the wrong name — Guy Lombardo. And so my whole life, I thought I was Italian, and I've been looking for the wrong person.

At one point, when phone books still existed, we would look through them and call all the Guy Lambardos we could find to ask if they were in Salt Lake at that time. We had no success, so I told my husband my story, and he said, «I'm going to hire this company to find your dad.»

Why We Hired a Genealogy Team To Find My Biological Father

And I said, «No, it's okay. I don't want to. I've had all these years of being let down, and I am in a good space where I don't want to be let down anymore.»

I was okay with not having my dad in my life.

He said, «Nope. I've already paid for it, and we're doing this.»

And I thought, oh no, now all this scary stuff and emotions are coming up. So we hired Legacy Tree Genealogists, and I started working with Sheri as my project manager. She's fantastic, and I kept bugging her for answers. We did the DNA testing, which I didn't have when I was 20 years old and 16 years old, trying to find my dad. 

Using Genetic Genealogy to Find Tiffany's Biological Father

We did the DNA work, and I kept bugging Sheri. «Do you have any information yet? I just want to know something.» 

She said, «You have to wait. You have to wait.» It took a couple of months, and then I learned that my dad's side of the family is German.

And I told my mom, «I'm German. I'm not Italian.»  His last name was blank in the results, and it wasn't Lombardo. I remember when I first saw my genealogy tree, and I saw a cousin on my dad's side. That was the first time I'd seen anything from my dad's side. Seeing my tree and seeing a cousin there was surreal. 

This cousin was on 23andMe. I messaged him on 23andMe and said, «I just did my genealogy, and I see your name on my tree.» A while later, he responded to me and shared my whole genealogy. The tree had my dad and my uncle. It also showed that I have a grandma alive, and she's 90.

I have a 94-year-old grandpa, and I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have a grandma and a grandpa. I also have a sister, and she's younger than me. 

Getting all this information was overwhelming and beautiful simultaneously, and I didn't know what to do with it. So, I emailed my new family. Sheri said they could take the next step, but I wanted to do it personally. 

The genetic genealogy team assigned to Tiffany’s project reviewed her DNA test results and found that:

Your 23andMe ethnicity estimates include an average of 72 percent French and German; 10 percent British and Irish; and 7 percent Scandinavian. It is apparent from the high estimate that your French and German heritage is both paternal and maternal in origin, given that we inherit 50 percent of our autosomal DNA from each parent. Furthermore, it appears your biological father is likely almost entirely of French and German heritage.

How To Contact Your Previously Unknown Biological Family Members

I emailed all of the people. I knew where my dad lived—he and my grandma lived in California. I told them, «I did my genealogy, and you guys came up with it. I want to find out how we're related.» I knew how we were related but didn't want to scare them…

When it comes to contacting biological relatives for the first time, the Legacy Tree Genealogist team recommends these resources the following article that include suggestions and scripts for contacting previously unknown, biological family:
How Do I Contact My Birth Parent or Sibling?

…And they never responded. Nobody responded.  Finally, my cousin responded, and he said, «Can I call you?» And I said, «Oh, that would be wonderful. I get to talk to my family.»

I talked to him for two hours on the phone, and he said, this is the best news. We're so excited to meet you. I will call your dad's wife and tell her about you. 

He called back and said, «She wants nothing to do with you, and they want you to stay away. You're kind of ruining their family. So they know about you, but you need to stay away.»

I was shocked. I was like, okay, I understand this is hard for someone to accept, especially when they're married and have children. And my dad's been married to his wife for 40 years and then I come along. And so I respected that, but then I still kept emailing stuff.

I wanted my dad to respond and say, «Yes, I'm your dad, but I'm not ready for this.»

But he wouldn't respond. 

Meeting Your Biological Father For the First Time Isn't Always Easy

I remember sitting there and just crying. I had all of his information, and they didn't get to do that to me. So, I booked a trip to California. I said, «I've just got to do this.» My husband came with me, and we got a hotel and a rental car, but once we arrived, I had a complete panic attack.

I thought, «I can't do this. I can't do this because what if he doesn't want me, which is a possibility, or what if he's not a great guy?» There are all the what-ifs that you hold on to. But I had to complete my journey. 

We went shopping for hours and I kept walking around looking at the men around me thinking, «What if that's my dad?»  I'd never seen a picture of him. I didn't even know what he looked like. And I thought,  «What if that guy walking by me is my dad?»

Finally, I said, «I've just got to do this.» We drove to the house, and I knocked on the door. The lady [my dad's wife] wouldn't open the door. She said, «Who is this?» And I said, «It's Tiffany.» She screamed and yelled at me for about 15 minutes, and I was just bawling.

She would not open the door, so I just said, «Please open the door. I am a mom, too. I understand your pain, but just give me a minute. I'm a hugger and I'm a lover, and if you'll just let me hug you, it's going to be okay.»

She said, «If you want to meet your dad, he's outside.»

I went out there and didn't see anyone. I told my husband, «Let's go. I can't do this. I'm done. Let's go home.» 

My husband said, «I think your dad's in that car over there.»

By then, I was just done and didn't want to meet him anymore. 

But my husband encouraged me and said, «Just go and talk to him.»

And so I knocked on the car window, and it was my dad.

He looked up at me, and he wasn't super happy. He said some mean things, and I was crying uncontrollably. There were more emotions than I've ever dealt with in my life. 

He finally got out of the car and said, «What do you want from me? Do you want child support? What are you trying to do to my family?»

And I said, «I don't want anything. I just want to know that you're my dad, and you didn't respond to me. So I had to do this to bring closure, and I can leave now, and I'm okay.»

He said, «Well, you rented a car, you flew here, and you got a hotel. This is a big deal to you.»

I told him, of course, it's a big deal. You're my dad, and I've been looking for you my whole life. 

And he said, «Okay, do you want to go to the coffee shop?»

A Coffee Date With Your Biological Father

And so he got in my car, and the whole time, I'm thinking, my dad is in my car, something I have always wanted. We went to the coffee shop and didn't know what to say. It was overwhelming for him. It was overwhelming for me. And then I took him back to his house.

He said, «I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to have two families, and you probably won't hear from me again. I need you to stop contacting the family. I need you to go away.»

I went back to the hotel and just cried. I emailed Sheri at Legacy Tree and said it didn't go well, but I met him, and I can put closure to it now. After I flew home, I probably stayed in bed for a week because I was so sad.

When There's No Response

I would still send him texts and invite him to go skiing or come visit. I wanted him to come visit me so I could show him that I wasn't out for money. I didn't want anything from him. I just wanted a dad, and I wanted to get to know him. I messaged him and messaged him, and he never responded for a year. 

I told myself I'd given him a year, and now I will try to meet my grandma. I deserve to meet my grandma. And what if she's not going to be here much longer? I'm a to-do list girl, and I put out my to-do list for January of 2023 -I'm going to meet my grandma. If I have to knock on her door, I will knock on her door, but I will meet her.

The Gift of Grandmothers

In December 2022, I went on a trip to Hawaii with my daughter. I was sitting out on the hotel patio, looking at the ocean in the rain. Suddenly, my phone rang. I had my grandma's phone number saved in my phone, and it was my grandmother. I answered it, and she said, «Tiffany, this is your grandmother.»

She said, «Your dad just told me about you after a year.  He had your business card in his wallet. He pulled it out and said, «I need to tell you something, Mom.»

When he pulled out my business card, and she saw I was a real estate agent, she asked him, «Are you buying a house? What's the story? What's going on?»

He said, «This is my daughter.»

She said, «I just started crying, and I want to meet you. Your dad is so proud of you. He has told everybody about you this past year, and he wants to meet you again. Will you come to California in January and meet him?»

I was crying so hard—it was just the sweetest thing. After we had talked on the phone for a few weeks, I flew to meet my grandma in California. 

We truly connected over the phone, absolutely connected. I took her 48 long-stemmed red roses for all the years that I missed with her. As I came down the escalator, she was standing there so beautiful and sweet. We hugged and hugged, and she had a neighbor drive her to the airport so we could sit in the backseat and just talk the entire time. We were an instant family. 

She is identical to me, and I am definitely her granddaughter. We have the same story of life, the same number of kids, and almost the same life history. She showed me around town and took me to meet her friends. She wanted time with me before my dad got there to meet me. And she was just the sweetest. 

Then, my dad came to town with my uncle, and we met for the first time again. It was a pretty fantastic weekend. We connected right away, and my dad would just sit there and cry, and I would cry. It was this weekend of crying, and we all connected so closely, and it really proves that blood is so much stronger than you think. 

The Unexpected Things

The first night, we went back to the hotel, and my dad sat in my room, and we just chatted until two in the morning. The next morning we both got up early and we went for a walk. And we walk fast. He said, «You are my daughter. You do everything I do. We sit, and we shake our legs. All of our movements are the same. We walk fast. You're identical to me.»

He said, «I must tell you, the best birthday present I've ever received is you. I was 19, and I had never been with anybody. It was my 19th birthday when you were conceived. I still circled a calendar in red on the day I was with your mom. And when I found out about your birthday and who you are, I knew exactly the day. I knew you were my daughter, and I couldn't be prouder to have you as my daughter.»

We had a great weekend with my grandma and my uncle. Three weeks later, my uncle and my dad came to Utah, and we went on a 10-day skiing trip there. They stayed with me, and we went on hikes. 

When I first met my dad, and he didn't want anything to do with me, I had this vision that we were going to go camping together and sit by a fire one day. We're going to talk all day. I kept that vision in my head the entire year that he didn't want to talk to me. And now we have sat by a fire probably five times and been on three Moab trips. That vision came true. 

I ran a marathon in the Redwood Forest, and he came and supported me. We traveled for a week in Northern California, and I got to spend my first birthday with my dad. My grandma flew me back to California, and we spent my birthday with my grandma and my dad for the first time. 

My grandma is my favorite person in the world. She tells everybody about us and will say, «Thank you for never giving up on us because I had no idea. You're my first granddaughter.» 

She's 90, and we're both sad we didn't get to spend all these years together because we're identical, and she has breast cancer now. I feel so fortunate that I hired Legacy Tree Genealogists to find my family before it was too late.

I traveled to California a few weeks ago, stayed with my grandma for a week, and took her to radiation every day. We had the best talks, and she's amazing. I love her to pieces, and she tells me, «I'm doing this radiation for you. I don't want to leave you yet.» She is just the spunkiest, greatest lady ever. 

My grandpa lives in Mississippi, and I will fly out and meet him in February. My dad's wife and daughter won't talk to me, but time will go on, and we'll see what happens. 

Encouragement For Anyone Looking For Their Biological Family

I encourage anyone in the same situation, or whatever your situation is, to never give up because you just don't know. There are still some struggles. There's still the other family, and he has another daughter, and there's still some of that stuff that is not perfect, but it's amazing. 

I don't know what I would've done without knowing my family. It's been the most incredible year of my life, and I honestly owe it all to Legacy Tree. I know it took all of us to get to this point, but I'm so grateful and can't wait to see what is coming.

Advice About Finding Your Birth Family From Legacy Tree Genealogists:

Be patient, this can be shocking news and it may take some time for them to process. Give them time. If they never respond, we are so sorry they are not ready to respond, and we understand that may be difficult and different from what you hoped for. We hope knowing who your biological family is helpful to have answers the questions you have had for so many years. We have had a bio family who refused to believe they had a sibling and that their parent had another child, but they did respond. That was hard, but hopefully with time, they were able to process and accept their new sibling. The typical response is excitement to meet a new sibling and see how much they have in common.

If you'd like to work with Legacy Tree Genealogists to help you find and contact your biological family, contact us anytime.